The big ball of sunshine you usually see is already fading right before your very eyes.

Maybe its just me but somehow there's a lingering feeling of loneliness in me these days. SPM is over and college hasn't started yet so i should be enjoying my free time but instead why am i having this feeling of dread? Life just seems to be getting more and more lonely once i've grown up. I've faced challenges that mostly everyone has also been through but sometimes it feels like i'm still stuck there and not moving on. Sure things are said to be going fine but deep down are you really able to forgive and forget? I think not. Everyone makes mistakes and the right thing to do is to apologise and ask for forgiveness but at the end of the day its whether the person you've just hurt is able to forgive you. Sure if your mistake is something as light as accidentally tripping her/him and making them fall, it'll definitely be easily forgiven. But what if the mistake goes beyond that? Lying, not admitting that you're wrong, pushing that person away and allowing stupid idiotic rumors get to you before even hearing their explanation? Is that something worth forgiving? Even if you have a really big heart and you treasure that person dearly, yes you still say. You still would forgive them, but i'm 99.99999 percent sure that the nice, kind, loyal, loving perception you have for that person would change. People might think that the close relationship remains but deep down, you and the other party would be the only one to know that the relationship can never be the same. Hmmm, even after typing it out, i'm still bugged by something. I dont really know what it is but it feels horrible and i hate it.

I know i say things like i want to live my life with no regrets but sometimes things just hit me! Like BAM! Why did you have to say that shit? Why did you have to do that crap? Is that really necessary? Why did you have to make someone feel worse than how they already feel? Why cant you just please people? What gives you the right to get angry? Cant you just keep your mouth shut? Who are you to him? How does she feel about you now? WHY DID YOU HAVE YOU MAKE THAT IDIOTIC MISTAKE?

Its funny how people come to me when they have problems and i can talk to them and reason with them. I can even give some killer advises sometimes, but the thing i dont get is, why cant i take those advises myself? Or rather, why cant i go to someone and talk things out when i have problem? All i do is cry myself to sleep, what the fuck does that do huh? How will that help me with my unsolved problems? It cant! I feel so useless and hopeless sometimes.

And for a person that has considerably big eyes, i can be pretty blind. -.- Not just about looking at how someones true self is but in finding physical things. An object i'm looking for can be right in front of me but i wont be able to see it. I guess my eyes are sometimes just there as a decorative piece. Hmmm, ohh well. Life is such.

I feel like an idiot now.